Don't talk about whether the bathrooms are clean
It’s August, which means I have thrown 487 picnics this summer. You know, enough to have this down to a science. It is time for picnic pro text.
Look, one min-maxes the picnic. You’re on a bike, you have one backpack, you need to make every inch count. Picnics need to spontaneously appear sometimes, sproinging out of your bag like it’s a ding dang clown car. It can’t be helped.
You need a blanket, food, beverages, maybe some other accoutrements like a bluetooth speaker or a board game. And like travel, you need to minimize bulk.
Blanket
Blankets form a truly preposterous amount of bulk. You need one that is waterproof, folds out to a large size, and packs down as small as possible.
Towards that end, the best blanket I’ve found is this one. Yes, it is nylon, but you are not going to care, because it packs down to 3.5 ounces and the size of a deck of playing cards. You’re not here to learn about lush, soft picnic blankets. You aren’t here for cottagecore. You’re here for a deployable picnic.
In-pack cooler
If it’s oppressively hot out or you’re carrying a lot of beverages, you might want an in-pack cooler. This works. I throw an ice pack in there along with my food and beverages, and there’s a zipper pouch inside for napkins, cutlery, and serveware.
Tech
Mosquitoes love me, so I have a Thermacell on hand at all times.
I carry a bluetooth speaker when I bike, and I just turn that up when I get to the picnic. This is the one I use. It is… fine. I don’t fully like it; the clip sometimes comes undone, and the buttons are hard to press. But it works well enough.
Games
Games that work for picnics must be small, easy to learn, and entertaining. They include:
- Hanabi
- A Fake Artist Goes to New York
- The Mind
- Sushi Go!
The food situation
You want:
- Cups, if applicable
- Water
- Booze or other beverages
- A main
- Snacks
- Plates
- Serveware, if applicable
- Silverware, if applicable
- Napkins
- An empty plastic bag for collecting trash
“Snacks” usually include berries, fruit, or nuts of some sort. I only get stuff when it’s in season, which means if you live in the midwest, June is for blueberries & strawberries, July is for cherries & blackberries, August is for plums & apricots, August & September are for peaches and apples, and if you’re really lucky, mid-September is for paw paws.
The “main” is usually handheld, so it doesn’t have to be messy: think sandwiches on baguette. I am not much of a sandwich person, but I make an exception for picnics. Sandwiches are easy to do okay and hard to do well: each ingredient must be sourced separately, the bread must be as fresh as possible, there must be a clear balance between everything.
And in the case of a picnic, you’re building these ahead of time and bringing them in a tupperware, so there’s a real risk of the bread getting soggy or the crust going limp. This is probably a risk worth taking. Building your sandwich at the picnic is a nightmare. And you are usually working with a charitable audience, one who knows you ahead of time.
For beverages, I like making shrubs a few days beforehand and bringing them in a mason jar. Here is a good grammar for shrub. Do it with any berry that is in season, because it will taste better.
Strawberry-basil with inexpensive balsamic is a personal favorite. (Note that sourcing balsamic is hard, and even “cheap” balsamic is more expensive than you think. Avoid balsamic that has been artificially watered down, thickened, or cut with other adulterants like caramel. This is a good entry-level balsamic.)
Vibes
The last thing you need is easy access to a public restroom in America in 2023. In order to do this, you need to rewrite all of our laws around public access, and you also need to create a completely different society that actually wants to take care of one another.
Alternately, you can throw your picnic in Europe or Japan.