Earth’s only iPhone case
“What are you up to after this?” “Getting a new iPhone case.” “That’s a big moment!” “Is it?” “Yes! You hold that thing every single day, and most people you interact with are going to see it. It’s a fashion statement!” “I don’t view it as a fashion statement.” “Others do. You can’t control that. That’s like saying your shirt isn’t a fashion statement.” “I thrift.” “That’s still a fashion statement!”
You should overthink your iPhone case and buy the most comically unhinged, ultra-you one that you can possibly find. There is a case for everyone, and you cannot possibly overthink it. Your default-Apple iPhone case is a renunciation of possibility. Is your favorite color purple? Congratulations, that’s going to be the color of your case. Do you believe everything in your life needs to look like you’re going to war? Here is your overcompensatory lunacy. Are you a hypebeast? Fine. Are you my conspiracy theory friend? You already have the shirt, why not match it. Are you an eco hippie and think all of this is problematic? Your case is now compostable.
My iPhone case is normal, because I own two of them. When I need to take my iPhone into situations where I am not bringing my sling and must throw it into a pocket, there is this, in bright orange, with “I’m not your therapist” stuck on top.
And now we will discuss the second case that I own, which is the reason for this text. Bailey Hikawa makes to-order, highly sculptural iPhone cases and toilet seats(????). They are unhinged, polarizing, and weirdly ergonomic. I have owned one of these for every iPhone I’ve had for five years.
Look at how great this is. Experience its profound normalcy. Let it wash over you.
The best thing about my iPhone case is absolutely everything. It hangs on your middle finger instead of your pinky, which puts less strain on your hand. You can rest it on its side and watch videos in the bathtub. You can rest it upright when doing workouts, letting it tell you how much time you have left between lifts. This case was built for alarm clock mode.
Two years ago, I wrote some text about getting a new iPhone, linking the Hikawa case as a cast-off in one clause of one sentence. 100% of the replies were about the case. Really? Yes, really. Does it… do anything? Like contain a battery? No. But being awesome? Yes, it absolutely does do that.
You are unprepared for the reactions that arrive as a result of owning this case. There is no easier way to instantly convince people that you have beamed in from another dimension than to rock a Bailey Hikawa case. Everyone thinks you are insane, which might be correct. Everyone thinks the thing is impractical, which is not correct. What is practicality when thinking about an iPhone case? Do you really need to throw the thing in a pants pocket? Are you expecting the extra room to be filled by a battery or something? Has anyone considered that a case doesn’t need to be practical?
“It’s alien.” Okay, what is representationality when considering an iPhone case? Why are we even discussing case ontology at all? None of these questions are relevant. You’re convinced now. You’re buying the case. You’re welcome.