How to airport
Since my career began in 2006, I have been to a total of 85 airports in 25 countries across 258 segments. I have seen enough. I am allowed to teach you how to airport now.
A review of the landscape
Airports are universally bad places that you do not want to be inside of, with the exception of two: Singapore and Hong Kong. The “okay, if you must” tier includes Amsterdam, Bangkok, Haneda, and Sydney.
There are no acceptable airports anywhere in North America.
The worst airport in North America is Pasco. The worst large airport in North America is Newark. The worst airside experience in North America is O’Hare; you should add a half-hour to your arrival due to a chronic, yearslong shortage of gates, gate agents, and flaggers, in addition to significant air traffic control issues.
The goal in airports is twofold:
- Spend as little time in them as possible.
- Once inside of them, avoid people as much as possible.
The strategies
The strategy begins now. You are airporting right now, as you read this sentence.
If you do not have Global Entry, you will get Global Entry. Not precheck, Global Entry. It is so worth the extra $15 every five years that I can’t believe this is even a debate. If you have ever spent $15 on a Lyft ride to save a half-hour, then you can spend $15 to skip having to talk to CBP every time you enter the country.
You will tab away from this glorious, inspirational text and receive Global Entry now.
You have Global Entry now.
Next is the most uncontroversial part, which is that you will carry everything onto the plane, with a backpack.
The weight must be carried. You will never check luggage again. Every experienced traveler knows this. Checking is expensive. Checking results in damaged luggage. Checking always adds a minimum of 20 minutes to your travel time.
And most importantly, checking indicates you are an unsophisticated traveler who carries too many things. If you bristle at the correct idea of carrying on because you carry too many things to carry on, then you will carry fewer things, regardless of your gender or trip time.
A carry on-sized backpack is essential for the purpose. Hip belts are very nice to have. If your body is big, go for a 45 liter backpack. If your body isn’t big, go for a 35 liter backpack. (I am 5’8.5”, 135lb, and pretty fit, and I use a 45 liter backpack.) Some good models include:
- Tortuga Outbreaker (this is what I use, but at 4.5lb its tare weight is quite high. I would target 3lb as a max 6tare weight for a backpack if I had to buy another now)
- Osprey Aura
- Zpacks Arc Air
- Topo Global Travel
- Aer Travel Pack
- Minaal Carry-On
- Cotopaxi Allpa Del Día
I generally recommend black gear, unless you like standing out as a tourist. Milanese locals don’t carry Cotopaxi or Topo.
You are wondering what to pack in the bag that you now own. There is a guide. I wrote it. There are other guides. Tortuga wrote these.
You have packed now.
You will check in online ahead of time, and use digital boarding passes exclusively.
You will arrive at the airport 60 minutes before your departure. You will walk directly through security, which you will breeze through because you have Global Entry.
You will then use the bathroom, fill your water bottle, and use your spare 20 minutes of time to do one of two things:
- Hit the lounge, if there’s a lounge and you have access to it. Some lounges suck; don’t be afraid to nope off a stuffy, crowded lounge.
- Find the quietest, emptiest part of the airport, and sit there.
35 minutes before departure, you will check your phone for delays. If your flight is on time, you will begin your walk to your gate, wherever it is.
You will walk directly up to the gate and onto the plane. You will come to view interactions like the following as an unconditional validation of your airporting strategy:
- “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN”
- “i was in the lounge”
- “WE HAVE BEEN CALLING YOUR NAME FOR AN HOUR”
- “i walked up ten seconds ago”
- “HOW DID YOU NOT HEAR YOUR NAME”
- “i was in the lounge”
You will get on the plane. You will put your carry-on in the first overhead bin space you can find, for three reasons:
- The ones above your seat are full
- Boarding only goes in one direction
- Nobody cares
AirPods, iPad, phone, water bottle.
Empty personal item area for you to stretch out.
Turn the little air nozzle on and aim it around 2 o’clock, so it shoots directly in front of your correctly masked face.
You are here. You won’t be.