Me season

Today is my birthday, which thank you, that’s very kind, please sit down, we have a lot to get through today, oh my god, please. Please. Okay. I need to tell you about my 30th birthday party, which happened 500 years ago.

It was large. It was so large that people were openly drinking on the sidewalk in -4º weather. It was so large that I had to bribe the police twice to go away. It was so large that a couple of my neighbors never forgave me for turning 30. You’d think I had a good time at this party, but no, I did not. I felt terrible for the people getting frostbite, terrible for the neighbors, and I could not particularly move in my own home. At one point I peed in the back yard because the line for my own bathroom was over a half-hour long. Did anyone enjoy themselves at this? No. I don’t even know if I want to be that popular. I don’t think anyone should be that popular.

And so I decided that henceforth, my birthday party would be polarizing. Not bad. Polarizing. Some people will love it, and some people will not. Some people will come, and some people will sit it out. Next year, I, a morning person, threw my birthday party at 6am. At 10, I kicked everyone out, locked the front door, and went to brunch.

For my 35th birthday party, I threw it at a noodle spot. In Hong Kong. It had a pretty good turnout!