Sound Princess

To know Japan is to crap there.‌ You are aware of smart toilets, yes, but you are perhaps not aware of their omnipresence there. Japan tracks sales of smart toilet seats as a proxy for overall national prosperity. The more Sound Princesses in homes, the better Japan must be doing as a country. Smart toilets are in over 80% of households as of press time. Japan is doing great.

The seats are heated, multiple heated bidets are built in, there is a dryer, scents of hinoki & vetiver are distributed throughout the room. A feature literally translated as “Sound Princess” plays music to drown out the sounds of your pooping. Multiple flush settings. The seat cover opens automatically when you walk up to it, with a musical flourish. Pooping!, it seems to exclaim.

When I flew home from Japan, I sat on one of my toilets, and because the seat was not heated and there was no Sound Princess, my butt felt cold and unloved. This happened on my property. In defiance of god. Clearly, it would not stand.

The rule is this: if I use something daily, I should invest in it. Bed sheets count, of course, but so does my sencha tea canister, my keyboard, and now my toilet.