Take notes
I am absentminded and hang out with lots of different people, and I think through writing. So I do a thing that everybody thinks is weird & unusual, but makes perfect sense to me: I always take notes before I hang out with somebody (or a couple) 1-on-1.
Taking notes works well to jog my memory, so I can catch up in a way that goes deeper than “so how’ve you been,” “got any holiday plans,” or “it is cold outside.”
Small talk is good at big parties, but it’s generally undesirable in a 1-on-1. It is always better to ask specific questions about the person who is sitting in front of you. They matter. You have their undivided attention, which is sacred. It is necessary to prepare for this. I rarely consult the notes on the fly; I’ll review right before leaving, or on my way there.
I’ll ask about specific projects or hobbies, people in their lives, stuff that’s happened to & around them, maybe job stuff if there’s been a big event there. since I’m not on social media and it’s not always guaranteed that somebody will be in one of my group texts/Discords/Slacks/etc, sometimes light googling is involved if I haven’t seen someone in a while.
Maybe about 10% of the notes are about myself. Sometimes I forget what people know & don’t know about me, and I often unconsciously diminish all the cool stuff i do. I also work almost entirely in private until i have something finished to release, so I rarely get prompted about something new I’m doing. Notes help for this! I like talking to people about things that make sense to talk to them about. And my creative process goes in many different directions at once.
Ultimately, I just want people come away feeling seen & happy to have hung out with me, and so it makes sense for me to put a little effort in ahead of time.
When I describe this to people, I learn that absolutely nobody does such a thing. Perhaps they think about the other person a little on their way to their hang, but that’s it in practice. Multiple people have gasped, saying “gosh, you live a different life than me.”
Do I? No matter who you are, you still hang out with people, hopefully in some sort of casual setting. How do you show up for them? How are you present with them? How do you focus on the things they’re saying, and reflect those things back to them? “I don’t think about it.” Gosh, why not?