The Sacred Ritual of the International Home & Housewares Show

Do you like design? (You probably do, since you are reading this.) Are you a victim of the horrors of late capitalism? Do you pay attention to trends in globalization, false-flag environmentalist campaigns, and the disposability of all culture? Are you simply looking for the latest in internet-connected wine aeration?

Friend, come in. Come in from the cold. I have an important and sacred ritual for you. Ever year, on the second weekend of March, heralding the beginning of spring, behold: the International Home & Housewares show, recently renamed to something inferior that we will calmly decline to mention, takes over all of McCormick Place, Chicago’s cavernous horror of a convention center. And it is free, for those who are able to suffer about ten minutes of legendarily bad user experience design.

Every year, I cobble together a fake website to prove that I am the president of an interior decoration company called “Draft Design Inc,” throw on a tailored Corneliani suit, and print badges for me and bring my “employees,” which is the closest thing that I will ever have to a squad, to walk the floor, basking in an avalanche of free samples, product demonstrations, and tote bags.

The International Home & Housewares Show is not for you or me. It is for the lead buyer at Bed Bath & Beyond to understand the specific ways in which they will be going beyond over the coming year. It is a sea of 30,000 middle-aged middle managers, middling. You are gloriously wasting everyone’s time & resources by doing this, and you will be doing this while having a sicker fit than absolutely everyone. While we are exceedingly polite to everyone we encounter, it’s frankly a miracle that nobody I know has been escorted out over the years.